Haru Haru Day by Day
by OptimisticallyRealistic
Summary: This revolves around Suzaku's handle on Euphie's death with the help of Lelouch, who is also suffering from guilt and anger. But what exactly will happen Suzaku is getting help from the very murderer that took his love's life? LuluxSuzu


**Author's Note: This was co-written with my friend Lillamitas - Lullaby, who I like to call Lulu for short. 8D**

He could have stopped it, but he couldn't. He wasn't there to protect her, he couldn't understand why the hell he couldn't have stopped her. Better yet, Suzaku was at a loss at why she suddenly started shooting the Japanese with a machine gun. Of course, Britannia had covered that up after stripping her of her royal status and deeming her as 'Princess Massacre'. An innocent, but blood-shedding name that anyone would have found fitting for her. The only thing he could do was inhale his anger, rather than snap at them. Princess Euphemia now became a plague on this thoughts. The pathetic part was that he had the urge to break down crying. Honestly, that was the most shameful feeling to ever experience. He was no child! He was a knight! A soldier even. He's seen dead bodies of women and children in piles, and he never broke down crying. For years he had to see the death number increase and he didn't even break down once! Why was this any different?

Oh, that's right. Ever heard the saying, 'You won't know how good you have it till it's gone'. He was experiencing that right now, and it was the most horrible feeling that had ever swept through his body. Especially, when he was in the middle of training. Ha, ha. He was training to take more lives. Something that Euphie would never have wanted. How ironic! But at the same time, he was a knight or her knight correctly. He placed his hand onto his head as he heard that stupid alarm ringing, he had to hurry and throw it. That bell was getting louder and louder. He couldn't take it! It was time to throw the grenade in his shaking fist. They weren't throwing fake bombs, but real ones. _Ring! Ring! _Was it more louder than usual? He bit onto the metal ring. _RING RING! _He released an angry groan, "Augh!" He clawed onto his alarm clock with the tips of his fingers and was ready to throw it off at a wall, but he halted this action. Now, suddenly waking up. He wasn't in the middle of a hot desert and training when he was on foot, but he was on his bed and in his dorm. Suzaku was in the only place that made him feel safe and nowhere near giant robots and gunshots.

To make sure he wasn't dreaming (and he hoped to God he wasn't), he looked around the room and ever so slowly placed the alarm clock down on his dresser by his bedside. He saw the kicked covers that were scrunched up at the end of the bed. It wasn't until he remembered that he had a long day of school to suffer through, or better yet deal with the gang in the student council and Arthur for some unexplainable reason biting onto him. He was in no mood to deal with that. He felt so sick. So sick and tired and numbed by her eternal absence and they still expect him to go to school. He couldn't understand why time couldn't even stop and give everyone that week where they can heal from who they lost. Not everybody's strong. Not everybody can stand up for themselves. You could be the greatest general in the world or even a king and still feel the pain of the ones you lost flow through your veins. Unless you're Zero, and that name conjured a bitter foul taste in his mouth as he slipped into this uniform to face the day ahead of him.

He walked out in the black colors with the gold lining that utterly depressed him. It was like going to a funeral, but fancier. He felt his mouth starting to ache and he placed his thin tan fingers onto his lips and felt a subconscious frown. He shook his head and the expression changed into a monotonous one. Suzaku swung his leather bag over his shoulders and tucked his left hand into his pants pocket and walked down to the direction of where the Student Council room was after locking his door. He really.. Couldn't face them. The boy couldn't help, but look down as he kept walking down the path. He cringed visibly at the thoughts of having to force a smile and throw a laugh here and there. They were all so.. Cheery. Not a single worry in their lives. Oh, how he envied them greatly. Not a care in the world! Their family was still in tact and the only way they could get close to bloodshed is by seeing it on the news.

Everyday he wanted to tell them that they were lucky for being in a safe position where a bullet could never touch them for their race. He took in a lungful of air and released. Was his uniform getting tight? He pulled onto the tight collar as he felt like he was suffocating. Could he really see Milly and the rest? After all, he didn't even get enough sleep. There must be purple circle under his eyes. Will they view him as pathetic? He didn't want that. Are they going to pity him? He didn't want that either! He doesn't want their pity. He hates pity! Knights don't get pitied!

**With Lelouch..**

He wasn't sure what to do these days. It was impossible for him to just continue as though nothing happened. Sure, behind a mask and before his men, he could brush it off, use it as political backing. But the truth was. The truth really was... That he was a little more dead than before now. Euphie. Poor Euphie. The sweet one, the kind one, the only uncorrupted stem of the Britannian Empire. How had he let this happen? His hand moved to his face, covering for a moment the eye which had been the cause of this whole mess. This thing, this curse, this power. Geass. With it he could destroy worlds, could create better ones, and he knew it. He hadn't meant to destroy this world though. He had wanted, maybe, for just a little, to live in this peaceful world. He didn't want Euphie to die, he only wanted her Administrative Zone to be abolished so that Zero's revolution could continue. Damn it.

He rolled over in his bed, awake again for the second night in a row. An arm moved and ended up dangling off the side of the bed, languid, almost anticipatory. The alarm clock only got off a small click before that once languid hand darted with deadly speed over to the nightstand and silenced the thing. Even knowing that it had gone off, and even knowing that he had to get up, Lelouch lingered for more than a moment. He couldn't do this. How could he continue like this? Not only had he seen Euphie die because of him, but now Suzaku was at a total loss. No matter their differences in politics, no matter their station in battle, Lelouch could not give up on the other as a friend. That wasn't to say he hadn't tried, for when he had crossed paths with the knightmare frame Lancelot, he wished for nothing more than some pawn to be the pilot. He tried to make Suzaku's memory a pawn. But it didn't work. Just as polar opposites, North and South, would always be drawn to one another, Lelouch could never just make Suzaku a facade. A pawn. He was a Knight. A knight who lost his queen, and for that, Lelouch knew that their station as friends was going to be temporary, fleeting, always nearing the inevitable end.

He rolled out of bed, feet padding on the floor with soft thuds. Surely his legs must be weighted. A hand riffled through the closet, pulling out, and on, the uniform which was his second identity. How many did he have now? Three? The Britannian prince, the common school boy, Zero. No, so many more than three, but those comprised the bulk of them. He ran his hands through his hair and moved to stare at himself for a moment in the mirror. Geass looked back. He closed his eyes and stared down at his sink, pulling out the contact case that C.C. had given him. Damn witch. This was all her fault. He put in the lens, and looked back in the mirror. He didn't look like he'd missed any sleep, but the scowl that was on his face was contradictory. Hands moved to rub away the expression, and he let the light smile that people expected of him cross his face.

School.

He walked the halls, heading towards the Student Council. Honestly, he did not want to be bothered by the others. He did not want to spend his day with the attempted 'up-beat' attitude that the small group wore to try and keep Suzaku from actually committing suicide, or so it seemed. Yet, it was the least that Lelouch could do. Be a friend for as long as possible. Be there as often as he could be. When the end came, there would be nothing more he could do, so he should do everything possible now. He rounded the corner of the hall, ready to be greeted with the usual over-enthusiasm the Council used.

Suzaku.

The wraith-like presence of the other startled Lelouch out of his thoughts, and for a long moment, he could do nothing but stare. He looked terrible. Horrid. Dead. Pain struck him in the chest again. Did even the great generals and kings of the world feel this unholy pain of loss? Or was it just Zero? Understanding compelled him forward, even though his heart and instincts told him to withdraw. Fake tears hurt others, but a fake smile only hurt yourself. For Suzaku, he was willing to suffer.

"Suzaku...?" He wanted to call him an idiot, and joke and kid, and see if this frail human would again become his friend. But that was what everyone did, and it wasn't working before, so Lelouch gave up on the tactic. It was time to be... as honest as possible. Suzaku needed someone. That idiot would bottle himself up if no one pressed him.

It took him awhile to process the fact that someone was had just called out to him. He didn't want to be rude, but he wanted to ignore it. He wanted to ignore all of reality and just remain under his thin shield, which were also known as bed sheets. "Oh! H-Hey, Lelouch." He greeted, startled that it was him out of all people. Usually, it was Shirley or someone happy-go-lucky. Then again, the dark-haired guy didn't exactly give him a peppy greeting, otherwise Suzaku would probably be horrified. "Nice day, huh?" He questioned with a friendly smile. "We better go before Pres decides to nag us for being late. I'm surprised you're not even there yet." Hopefully, it didn't sound too forced, but he spoke in an unnecessary faster pace than usually. It was as if the knight was trying to speed up time. He could care less if he was late or the whole world was going to end because of that. His friends were most likely not going to mind it either.

He felt so out of it today, like everyone around him was mute. It wouldn't matter if the Pres decided to scold them, he would have been absent-minded the whole time anyways. He was like a ghost that roamed around and refused to go to the spirit world without being able to rest in peace. That's what Suzaku wanted to be, nothing but an invisible ghost that was untouchable. No having to hear 'Sorry about your loss, man' or fan girls going, 'Poor Suzu!' Did they ever lose anyone? Did they know what it was like to lose someone? Of course not, other wise they would at least leave him the hell alone. At least, he thought he needed to be alone just to heal. Losing Euphie was hard enough, having the country hate her was like adding salt to the wound.

He looked away from the boy with midnight-colored hair as he felt grudging thoughts circulating through his head. Anger had fueled their way and caused him to form a fist at the loathing thought of the villain that took her away. _'Zero.. What did you do? She didn't.. She didn't deserve to die. She hated war. You were suppose to be a hero. What the hell was that?! Why?.. Why her out of all people? She just wanted peace!' Questions that will never be answered was cracking his smile. It was cracking his mask. Suzaku was fighting to prevent himself from exposing his emotions and felt himself having to retreat. 'You just couldn't take any other worthless scumbag? You worthless bastard!' _He heard a crack going from across the bottom of his cheek and passed the bridge of his nose. Just thinking of Zero was breaking him apart almost like that time when he was standing above the pod that held Euphie. Her wounds were too deep and serious to be treated. He shook his head, no longer wanting to think about it. His general would have smacked him for showing such weakness.

To see his friend like this, faking smiles even though he looked like he hadn't slept or eaten well since he watched Euphie die was hard. Nearly impossible. Lelouch did have the distinct urge to blurt out everything, to tell Suzaku about everything, to beg for forgiveness, and to explain how this had really happened. Thankfully, however, Lelouch also had the good sense not to do something so drastic and foolish. His friend was his enemy, and could never know these things until it could no longer be prevented. He was sorry. Lelouch would give anything to bring back Suzaku's joy. Would do anything to undo what had been done. Suzaku knew of Geass now. Knew that he had been ordered by Zero to live. If he could, Lelouch would have ordered Euphie to live. Even if he knew that wouldn't have really been possible.

He placed his hand onto Lelouch's shoulder, "Actually, you go ahead." He said with a sudden change of mind, "I'm going to take the long way." He said almost monotonously as brushed passed Lelouch after the two have exchanged greetings. Suzaku felt like stopping by the cafeteria for a cup of coffee to wake him up or hot chocolate. They hardly ever had chocolate at the base, so having it was like a heavenly treat to him. Maybe it'll lighten him up as oppose to drinking something flavorless and bitter. That warm and tasteful drink wouldn't even be a breakfast snack, but a drink that would cover him for all three meals. It's okay, it's not like he ate a lot in the first place. If he was eating junk food, would he have this gorgeous six-pack that was complimented with a skin tight suit? But enough about his glorious bod, he rubbed his tired eye with his fist. _'Let's get this day over with.' _He thought negatively.

For some reason, the smile that had been forced onto his friend's face was fading, and soon the touch of a hand on his shoulder made Lelouch turn from his thoughts and look at the green eyes of his classmate. No, this would never do. Lelouch didn't want to push him, didn't want to force him into action, but he knew that on his own, Suzaku would never burden anyone with his feelings. He'd lost his father, and now his love, and Lelouch couldn't help but feel that it was directly his fault for both. Britannia took over Japan, and Zero killed Euphemia. As his friend went to walk away, Lelouch spun on his heels to look after the other. He forced himself to push Zero from his mind, because he wasn't Zero. He was Lelouch. Lelouch Lamperouge, and he was friends with Kururugi Suzaku, and friends needed to take care of each other when the world didn't understand.

_**"Suzaku! Wait!"**_

He turned when he suddenly heard his name being called, he turned quickly without hesitance because it was Lelouch out of all people calling him. The guy never called him like that, even when he needed something so he thought it was extremely important. Though, he was in no mood to accept any favors, he couldn't even decline it since he was trained to help those in need. He paused when the boy started to race towards him. "What is it?" He asked once Lelouch stood right in front of him. It was like Lelouch read his mind and he couldn't help, but accept. Inside he was screaming out, 'God yes', but keeping the cool demeanor he possessed, he only said, "That'd be great." He forgot to smile. He didn't understand why he felt some weight was lifted, but he decided not to question it. He ran his hand through his tousled brown curls. He hoped he wasn't going out of character and showing something else. His negative and depressing emotions. As a soldier, he had to delete such useless feelings. He had to be cold and soulless like his Lancelot on the field. 'Do not stop to help a helpless civilian.' Those were his orders.

Lelouch trotted to catch up with the other, "Look, we're friends, right? I won't ask for a lot, but why don't we... get something to eat?" He wanted to press for feelings, to get down to what was really going so terribly wrong in Suzaku's head, wanted to be able to tell him that things would be ok, even if they both knew different. Maybe they weren't working off the same information, but both surely knew that things were not just going to work themselves out this time. Too much was lost, and slipping into history marred by the black taint of death was the memory of Zero. Things could not be changed from the inside. Suzaku was ignorant. But to see this pain over and over again. With Shirley, with Suzaku, with Nina. Sometimes, it felt even like Lelouch was losing more loved ones than those that were mourning. He had to relive the pain over and over again because of his secret.

Lelouch again forced himself to ignore the thoughts of his own pain. His suffering was his fate, Suzaku might still have the ability to change. So Lelouch smiled the smile of a friend. Not the one of pity, nor the one of deceitful joy, but the warm and comforting smile from the heart that promised things would be better, if not completely okay. He didn't mind skipping class once or twice if it meant even the smallest piece of mind for his friend. There was a city that was full of chance, and maybe one of those would make things just a little better. Maybe one of those would be just okay enough to work for now. Lelouch wanted to soften the blow of the truth as much as he could before the time came. He knew that Suzaku could never give up his physical life, but a dead soul was not worth a living body anyway.

He kept walking after he accepted the invitation. Silence had filled the void between them. "Where do you want to go? I was just going to stop by the cafeteria. Unless.. That doesn't suit your fancy?" It was suppose to be a joke towards Lelouch's high taste and nobility, but he forgot his teasing voice. It only sounded monotonous with an attempt at trying to act high-spirited or an insult. He was having second thoughts anyways, like maybe they shouldn't hang out. Not only did he have to painfully pretend and throw fake grins, but he had to fight the feelings of breaking down and prevent the lump in his throat from cracking his voice. He swallowed hard. Just the very image of Euphie coming to mind made his lip quiver. He fought the urge to frown. It was a never ending battle with her and she wasn't even physically there. He kept walking, he hated walking right now. He hated how he had to run and walk every single day since the day that Euphie had left them. It felt more like he was dragging his body without his fuel, like a car running out of gas.

It was like Suzaku was trying, so hard, to be all right. Like he was pushing himself more than anyone else pushed him to put on that smile and make those little jokes. But with the obviously crushing depression, the jokes and the smiles didn't seem funny or real at all. They just made him look like he was trying too hard. No wonder the Student Council kept pitying him, he just looked so... pathetic. Lelouch gave a single chuckle at the pretend joke, if only because it came out so horribly wrong it was funny. Unlike the rest of the general student body, Lelouch did not pity Suzaku. Not the way that everyone else did. Instead, he felt sorry, apologetic for the others state. It was, after all, his fault. He could only hope that his reasons weren't discovered, but his feelings were. Suzaku did not need pity. Suzaku needed a friend. Lelouch had almost always been a friend to Suzaku, and would continue to do so. So even though he didn't particularly care for the food at the cafeteria, he really didn't care where they went, or if actually eating was really involved. All he needed was some space to ask Suzaku what was going on in that stupid, bottled up head of his.

Suzaku hated feeling this way. One minute, he'll be angry and wanting to cuss Zero, the other, he'd want to fall to his knees and let the tears fall from his forest green orbs while screaming for her to come back to him. He would give anything to hold her, just to hold her one more time and just tell that he loved her so much. If he could exchange his own life for hers, he would. He was nothing, but a knight. She could get a new one, she was after all a princess that made a difference. Just because she's dead, doesn't mean her words are. He wanted to honor her words. Her final words. The words that she had said to him as she was disappearing from this world. Being there, just being there and watching her die was the possibly worst experience he ever had. The fact that he couldn't prevent it or save her made him want to blame himself. He wasn't there for her! "..It's my fault." He whispered silently to himself. _'Some knight.'_

They walked in silence, and a violet gaze would flicker over to check on Suzaku every once in a while. Just to make sure the other hadn't turned into a ghost and evaporated. A silly thought, but for the moment it seemed not only possible, but plausible. It seemed like Suzaku was doing everything he could to just disappear. The pilot of the Lancelot had, after all, been doing his very best to push everyone away, and act fine, and not burden anyone, and not show weakness. If Lelouch had no other saving grace, he was at least, persistent. He wouldn't give up on his rebellion, and he wouldn't give up on his friend. Lelouch would always be friends with Suzaku, even if Suzaku hated him for it.

"Lelouch."

His name.

The knight paused and took awhile to process his overwhelming gratitude, "Thanks." He totally forgot he was walking alongside his childhood friend. The guy must feel totally awkward, but at the same time, he wasn't even complaining. Suzaku didn't even notice this either. It was hard to notice certain things when you're up in your own little world where you're mourning over someone internally and you're trying hard not to show it. But it's impossible when he's looking down at the floor most of the time, his neck getting tired from having to look people in the eye with a grin and a small laugh thrown here and there. It wasn't mirthful either. Could they all see right through him? No, they couldn't. It was impossible. Improbable. He told them over and over again that he was fine and they need not worry. Sadly, they do what they're told. Why was that a bad thing? If anyone was in his position, they would know what it's like to lose someone and want someone to reach out to him. He felt worthless. Unloved even. No one wanted to take their time out of their day and ask, 'Are you okay, man? You know if you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you.'

Little did Suzaku knew was it was a way to unload on Lelouch his true feelings.


End file.
